


The Pir8 And The Diplomat

by Moondragon8



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Pirates, not earth but not alternia either...shrug emoji, technically in modern day?? i guess??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:46:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moondragon8/pseuds/Moondragon8
Summary: Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, and you intend to find a pirate.Your name is VRISKA SERKET aka the COBALT CORSAIR, and you are a pirate with no intention of being captured.
Relationships: Jane Crocker & Terezi Pyrope, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, fefnep and janeroxy in the background
Kudos: 8
Collections: Ladystuck Art/Fic Exchange 2020





	The Pir8 And The Diplomat

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, and until the day you die, you will not stop hunting for justice. 

So it’s important to keep that day far, far away from you.

“Careful there,” Mr. Vantas says, grabbing your arm. “Almost tripped off the boat.”

You hiss in frustration. “I keep telling you, once I know the length of the boat, I won’t have any problems, and the way to know the length of the boat is to walk it! It’s that simple!”

“Ms. Pyrope...” Mr. Vantas begins anxiously, but you find your footing and cut him off. “Say Terezi. It’s more familiar.”  
“Terezi,” Mr. Vantas begins. “I don’t--”

“And what’s your name, as long as we’re being familiar?” you ask. 

“Karkat. Terezi, are you sure you want to attempt this? It’s a risky journey, especially since, well, you can’t see.”  
You turn in the direction of his voice and glare. “Mr. Vantas, I volunteered for this job because it is a case of personal interest to me. I was given this job because I am one of the best diplomats and legislators currently active. I do not intend to back down because some sailor tells me to.”

He puts his hands up in surrender. “Alright, alright. You’re already two thirds of the way around the ship anyway. There’s not much left for you to learn.”

“Fantastic,” you say, making a note to purchase a cane anyway, just in case. Ooh, maybe one with a dragon. “Let’s hunt a pirate.”

Your name is THE COBALT CORSAIR, and you are a pirate with no intention of being captured. 

Technically, the Cobalt Corsair isn’t your real name, but you aren’t going to go around using your real name! Pirates don’t do that.

You leap from your position in the rigging to the boat itself. “CREW! YO! GET OVER HERE!”

Roxy bounds onto the ship. “Yooo, Vris--”  
“Roxy, shush!” you say, looking around frantically. “You are _not_ to say my real name in public! I thought we had made that clear!”  
She crosses her arms. “Fine, but I want to be Pink Cat.”

“Fine, fine, you’re Roxy,” you say with a dramatic eyeroll. “Where are the others?”

Pink Cat shrugs. “Hell if I know.”

You half-scream, half-choke, and pin Roxy with a very angry glare. “I am going to find the rest of the crew. Do. Not. Move.”  
“Aye aye, cap’tn,” Roxy says with a shaky smile and salute. 

You turn and storm off to find your crew. 

You are now TEREZI PYROPE again, and you’re ready to set sail. 

If only your fellow officer of the law would show up. 

“Where can she BE?” you demand angrily of Karkat. “Surely she doesn’t have something better to do?”  
“Surely not,” Karkat says with only a hint of sarcasm. 

There’s a tapping sound and you turn towards it. It gets louder and stops. The quiet sound of a human is right near you--a different one then Karkat. Whoever it is, they smell like fresh baked bread.

“Ahem,” the person says. They don’t clear their throat, they actually say “ahem.” “Could you shake my hand so we can get on with formalities?”

You fumble for her hand, and then shake it. She makes a small “hm” of approval and says “Jane Crocker. This is my first time on the seas, but not my first time dealing with miscreants. Speaking of miscreants, I believe our pirate friends were last seen in one of Olivine’s ports. Shall we?”

You follow her onto the ship with a wide grin. Oh, this will be fun. 

You are the COBALT CORSAIR, and you are not very pleased. 

“Tell me everything you heard again,” you demand. “Slowly, this time.”

Nepeta, aka the Olive Rogue, fidgets with her hands. “Are mew sure? Mew seemed purretty irritated when I told mew the furst time.”

“Quit the cat puns and  _ tell me,”  _ you say, running your hands through your hair. Blackbeard never had to put up with this. 

“ _ Ahem _ ,” Feferi says pointedly. 

You sigh deeply. “Sorrrrrrrry.”

“Thank you,” Nepeta says. “Okay, I’m ready nyow.”

You bite back a comment. 

“Okay, so, I overheard someone saying ‘are those pirates?’ and then I stopped and pretended to find a button I hadn’t dropped so I could hear them without them thinking I was hearing them, and then someone else said ‘yeah, pretty sure that’s the Marquise Spinneret’s crew’, and the first someone said ‘ugh, in my opinion pirates should have been left at the turn of the century’, and then someone else said ‘yeah, but I hear now there’s a bounty hunter or some such after ‘em too’, and then the second someone said ‘what, there’s water police now?’ and then Fefurry came up and dragged me away.” She takes a deep breath in and exhales. “And that’s all I heard.”  
“Bounty hunter, huh?” you say, tapping your chin thoughtfully. “Let’s leave them a little gift.”

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, and god fucking damnit why can’t text-to-speech work irl. 

You trace the thin lines of ink with your fingers. The handwriting is...spidery, you think, would be the best word for it, big sprawling letters that spike and swoosh across the page. Definitely not readable by touch alone. You sniff the paper experimentally, but it only smells like ink and salt, not words. 

“Jane, be a dear and read this for me?” you ask, handing the paper to Jane.

“I believe it says ‘So you think you can catch me, huh? I’d like to see you try! I’ll have you know no one’s caught us yet and lived to tell the tale. PS: If I’m going to be hunted, I’d at least like to know who’s doing it. What’s your name? If you find a way to let me know, I’ll know you’re clever enough to at least stand a chance.” 

You tap your fingers on your cane thoughtfully. “Well, the most obvious thing is to send a letter ahead to their next location. So I suppose the real challenge is how to find what their next location is.”

“You’re not really going to take her bait, are you?” Jane says. 

You shrug. “We were going to have to find out where she was going anyway, and turnabout is fair play.”

Thankfully, once she’s convinced, Jane is an expert sleuth, and manages to interview and intimidate people into telling her that the crew of the  _ Marquise Spinneret _ were said to be heading for Cerulea to deliver some (likely stolen) goods.

“Cerulea it is,” you say. “Karkat, could you be a dear and take dictation for me?” 

You are the COBALT CORSAIR, and your pursuer has come through. 

**_TO THE “COBALT CORSAIR”--_ **

**_THANKS A TON FOR YOUR LETTER!! IT WAS VERY ENLIGHTENING, BUT LEFT ME CURIOUS WHAT EXACTLY YOU LOOK LIKE. UNFORTUNATELY, I’M A BIT BUSY CATCHING UP TO YOU, SO I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME TO TALK. SEE YOU IN CERULEA!_ **

**_\--T3R3Z1 PYROP3_ **

Okay, so the last part isn’t really written in leetspeak, but it might as well be. It’s in a completely different handwriting than the rest of the letter, and a very smudgy handwriting at that. 

“Creepy,” says Nepeta. “Usually they don’t make it past your first challenge.”

“And she’s being way too cavalier aboat this for my taste,” Feferi adds. 

“I know,” you say. “I have to respect her ability to be unnerving through the written letter, but I doubt they’ll actually be able to catch up to us.” You fold the letter up and tuck it into your pocket. “Still, let’s be quick about our Cerulean errands.”

You are quick about it once you arrive, but you take the time to write Ms. Pyrope a note while the others are dropping off the stuff you took at your last stop. 

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, and would you look at that.

“No really, would you look at it? And read it for me?” you say, gently shoving the piece of paper Jane’s way. 

Jane sighs dramatically and does so.

“Hello Miss Pyrope! Unfortunately, you’re too slow once again, so we won’t be able to meet just yet. But why don’t you t8ke—there’s an eight instead of an a there—some time to look around my home country?? No need to rush to catch up with me! Winky face. See you soon, Vriska Serket.”

“Vriska,” you say. “So that’s her name.”  
Jane sounds worried. “This is bait, isn’t it?”  
“Clearly,” you say. “Don’t worry, I’m not taking it, we’ll resume the chase. Where is she headed next?”

“I don’t know!” Jane says. “Why would I know?”

You run over what you know about her in your head. The self-styled Cobalt Corsair, aka Vriska Serket, bold, daring, and careless. She once was interviewed by some very daring reporters and informed them that she was a pirate because she thought trade bans were stupid. “Just because your president doesn’t like another president doesn’t mean two whole countries have to be denied their cool stuff!” she reportedly said. “And if I get some of that cool stuff in the bargain, well, that’s just a bonus, hmm?”

“Is Cerulea currently under a trade embargo with any country?” you ask. 

Jane blinks. “Yes, actually, with Violescene. But--”

“To Violescene we go, then!” you say. “I’ll explain why on the ship.”

Unfortunately, Jane remembers to ask you why once you’re on the ship. 

“Well, Vriska’s main thing is bypassing trade embargos,” you explain. “So...I figured she’d probably be heading to wherever Cerulea doesn’t want her to go.” 

“I see,” Jane says. There’s a brief moment of silence. “You requested this assignment, did you not?”  
“I did,” you say cautiously. 

“Why?”

“It was a case of personal interest to me,” you say. “Her philosophies intrigued me.” It’s vague, but you say it with confidence and hope it passes roster. 

Apparently it does, since Jane doesn't’ ask you further questions. 

Your name is VRISKA SERKET, and there’s no letter. 

“Why didn’t she write?” you say, pacing in a circle. “Should I have hinted where we were going better? Does she think we’re going somewhere else?”  
“It’s like you _want_ her to catch up with us,” Feferi comments.

Nepeta gasps. “Do you have a CRUSH??”  
“WHAT?” you say. “No, no, no!! Fuck no!!”  
“Omjesus, you totally have a crush,” Roxy says. “That’s hilarious!!”

“Vriwhiskers...” Nepeta says. “Mew do know she’s planning to arrest us, right?”

“I don’t think she would reciprocate…” Feferi says. “Wavet, do we even know she’s a gill?”

You clutch your head, extremely fed up with the puns and the chase and these stupid stupid feelings. “I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about,” you say. “I HATE that nosy bounty hunter! Hate hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE HATE HER!!!!!!!!”

Your voice has risen to a sharp squeak by the end, and you’re shocked and embarrassed to find yourself fighting back tears. 

“Vriska…” Roxy says gently.

You take a deep breath in and turn to glare at all of them. “Everyone back on the ship, we’re sailing back to Cerulea. I’m ending this once and for all.”

Your name is TEREZI PYROPE, and you’re well on your way to Violescene when Jane says “Er, Terezi?”

“What?” you say. Her voice is distant. You click towards it, counting steps until you reach the edge of the ship. She must have seen something in the distance.

“That’s...a pirate ship, isn’t it?”

You shrug, feeling your heart begin to race. “Could well be.”

There’s a sound of water being disturbed by a boat, and you don’t think the boat is yours.

“Hail from the Neophyte Redglare! State your name and country!” Karkat calls from somewhere else on the ship.

The other ship rushes towards you, and then halts. “Marquise Spinneret of the Country of Thieves!”

“That’s her,” Jane says. Nothing else really needs to be said.

You anchor your ship, ready your weapons, and turn to meet the pirate.

"There you are," you say, leaning forward. 

There’s a sharp tap of boots on wood. "Oh, you've found me," she says. "Took you long enough." You can't see the expression on her face, but her voice is smug.

Before you can retort, she continues. 

"Now what? You're outnumbered 5 to 3, not to mention we're far better equipped for a fight than you. So are you going to attempt a doomed fight, or will you do the smart thing and leave?"

You cross your arms and stand your ground. 

"Neither." 

She takes a step back. "Huh?"

"As the old saying goes," you say, distantly aware of the cold wind whipping seawater into your hair, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And you're right, I certainly can't beat you."

"What??" Jane cries, but you ignore her.

You take a deep breath in. "Is your crew perhaps in need of an expert negotiator?”

Vriska Serket, the Cobalt Corsair, hesitates. "Wellllllll..."

You hold your breath. This is it, the moment of truth. If she doesn't take you in, you'll have to fight, and you really don't want it to come to that. 

There’s another clicking of shoes, softer this time. Someone else has stepped forward.

"To be honest, we NEED a navigator," she says, more to you then Vriska. Her voice is slightly accented, proper-sounding. Clearly not a natural-born pirate. "I'm not that good at it, and Roxy is TERRIBUBBLE."

There’s a thump and a little noise of greeting from who you can assume is Roxy. You know the Cobalt Corsair sails with three others. Roxy, the accented girl, and a third person. 

"I like maps, but Feferi's right,” a new voice says. Roxy? You aren’t quite sure. It’s a rather squeaky voice, but firm, and coming from right near Feferi. 

"I think she's proven a great diplomat already by getting you to not kill her,” another voice says, this one sounding rather casual, like one of the girls in your high school who was always chewing bubblegum. Now you know three people are on the ship--Feferi, the one standing next to Feferi, and this third voice, who might or might not be Roxy. 

There’s a loud sigh. "Alright, alright! Terezi Pyrope, you are officially hired as my negotiator, on probation until you've proven yourself." It’s Vriska’s voice.

You beam, standing up straighter. You did it! 

"Terezi, what are you thinking?!" a sharp voice comes from behind you. It’s Jane’s. 

"Oh yeah. What are we going to do with those two?" Vriska says contemptuously. 

There’s a slight shuffling noise--Karkat backing away. "Don't bring me into this. As far as I'm concerned, I didn't see anything." 

“It’s true,” you say. “He’s got no stakes in this.”

"Alright, you're free to go. But if we find out you snitched, there  _ will _ be consequences," Vriska says with an edge of menace. 

There’s a creaking sound of Karkat hauling up the anchor. You take a nervous step towards the edge of your boat, and small, calloused hands grab your arms and haul you onto the pirate ship. You can tell that you’re standing next to two people--Feferi and her friend who pulled you up here. 

The familiar clicking of Jane’s loafers rings out loudly (at least to you). She’s walking away from the edge of the ship and towards Karkat. 

"NOT YOU," Vriska says. There’s a series of steps and loud thump from beside you. It takes you a second to realize someone must have leapt onto the Neophyte Redglare. 

"You, I don't trust," Vriska says. “Feferi, bring her up here.” 

There’s another series of steps. You can smell Jane’s fresh baked bread sort of smell from here. She’s on the ship now. 

You’re next to Feferi’s friend, Feferi is standing next to Vriska and holding onto Jane, and the other person must be somewhere on the ship too. You hear a soft plashing of water but the boat under your feet is steady. Karkat is leaving. Jane is now officially alone and surrounded by pirates, including you. 

"Are you glaring at me or at Jane?" Vriska asks.

Keeping your voice steady, you reply "Just don't kill her. She doesn't--she doesn't deserve that."

"I think we should take her on," the bubblegum girl says, with a note in it that makes you tilt your head. Vriska must look pretty annoyed, because Bubblegum tacks on "As a prisoner, I mean," in a way that sounds a little desperate. 

"I was a prisoner on this ship once too," Feferi points out. 

"Yeah! I remember that!" Feferi's smaller friend who likes maps and pulled you up here chimes in. 

"YOU. What's your name?" Vriska demands, presumably of Jane. 

Jane’s voice is remarkably level. "Jane Crocker, and I-"

Vriska interrupts again. You're beginning to notice a pattern. "Jane Crocker, you are now a prisoner of the Marquise Spinneret and her crew. You will be given food and water, but we will take those away if you misbehave or try to escape. Roxy, get her to one of our holding cells."

There’s the light sound of someone coming to stand next to you. You guess it’s Feferi.

"Come on, I'll show you around,” Bubblegum Girl--now officially Roxy--says. If one could communicate a wink through tone, you think Roxy just did.

A pair of footsteps--Jane and Roxy--slowly get quieter, and you relax. Jane is in good hands. 

"By holding cell, do you mean my bedroom?" Feferi's friend says sadly. You will really need to get her name. 

"We can share!” Feferi offers. 

"And you, Ms. Pyrope, you come with me," Vriska says. Decisive, loud steps signal that she’s coming closer to you. She smells of saltwater taffy. "If you're going to be my navigator, you should get to know your new ship. And, of course, your captain." 

You smile. "I think I'll like it."


End file.
